I also had issues with my belief systems. Before the guy actually slapped me, I had mentioned a few times to him that I knew I had a sharp mouth, so maybe he had to beat me to curtail me. Why I would say things like that – even as a joke – baffles me now. But at that time, it was normal to me because I had witnessed abuses and violence in my family, so I was a young girl who had “issues”.
But I’m here now. Eleven years later, strong and confident in who I am in God, and healed from the pain of the past. I now know what I want in a marriage and in the man God gives me and would not settle for less. It has taken me eleven years to get here, and through the help of God.
I shared this story with a friend, and told her that castigating victims of abuse and violence is not the right response to women going through situations like I did. And she asked this question: in retrospect, what would you advise one should do instead to help a loved one leave an abusive situation?
I believe these are a few things we can do instead:
Be More Compassionate
I am a Christian and I understand the scripture that says we are better able to minister to people going through what we had gone through because we can give them the same comfort we had received in the past. It is actually very hard to minister from a place of love if you haven’t been through what the person you are ministering to is going through.
You hear people say things like, “I can’t understand why you are still in that relationship?” Exactly. You can’t understand because you have never been in her shoes. But I promise you that people who have gone through what she is going through can understand.
You can understand the hold abusers have on the abused. You can understand the thoughts they cook up to excuse the abuser’s behaviour. You can understand what issues she is even struggling with about herself. You understand because you have been there. And this makes you address the issue from a point of compassion, which is really what Jesus does. He doesn’t castigate us for our wrongs. He never says “you should have known better.”
Tell The Person The Truth
The day I was slapped by my ex boyfriend, only one person knew about it: my best friend, Lily. She comforted me and tried her best to give me succour but she never really said outrightly, “leave T. He doesn’t deserve you.”
I knew she was trying to not be too blunt and hurt my feelings because she didn’t know what I could handle in my frail state. I remember when I didn’t even think I was brilliant anymore, Lily had seen my results and said “you even scored B like him too. You are brilliant and can do this.”
Also read: Your Partner Should Never Lie About These 5 Things
She understood what I was going through and tried, in her own way, to make me see my value but she never said, “Frances, leave this guy,” which was what I needed to hear. I knew I was in a bad situation, but I didn’t know if I should leave the relationship or give him another chance. I honestly didn’t know this. I was blinded to how this was the solution. My one request to God was was “God tell me if you want me to leave this relationship or not, tonight”.So the night Jesus delivered me (my strength to leave came in an encounter with Jesus),
I didn’t hear a voice but I felt the love arms of God and someone urging me to stand up, go to my hostel and begin life in Christ, one that my boyfriend wasn’t part of. God’s answer was clear. “Leave this relationship”. He still gave me a choice, He didn’t force me but He told me the truth: “This isn’t what I have for you, leave this relationship.”
I know it’s hard for people to listen when told to leave relationships and, sometimes, that makes the ones around them keep silent and hold their peace. Still, I believe that if I had heard the truth then, it would have been better for me. Let it be that the victims refused your counsel but do not keep quiet. Along with your compassion, tell the truth.
Pray For Them a Lot
My encounter with God, the one that got me out of the relationship was so radical that I knew someone had to have been praying for me eleven years ago.
I was in a fellowship called NIFES where I had lied to all my leaders that I wasn’t dating this guy. I hid it because I knew they wouldn’t approve, but still, they knew. Today, I know someone must have interceded for me. We may aso ask: “what about those who don’t come out of it, was someone not praying for them too?”
I can’t answer that question. What I do know is that prayer works. God can intervene and bring someone out of a situation by orchestrating events to give them a way of escape when we pray. So don’t give up and leave them to their abuser, intercede for them.
Show Them Unconditional Love When They Leave
My best friend, Lily, was there for me. I remember times, after I had broken up with the guy, I hurt so bad I would say so to her. She would encourage me to hold on and not go back. She’d say, “don’t go back, it will pass with time.”
Well, it did pass with time because I filled my time with building up myself. I continued with my studies, and graduated with a 2:1. I started writing again, started a blog, started writing books, began my NGO work, started an NGO, started travelling to different countries, lost a lot of weight and got my health back. Plus I discovered God’s love for me.
Eleven years later and the 18-year-old who was in the mess of an abusive relationship is dead and gone. In her place is an almost 30-year-old who God has helped and is still helping.
So rather than castigate a close friend or family member going through a bad relationship, try a mix of compassionate love and understanding, prayer and truth. Never hesitate to say the truth. Even if that truth is “leave this person, they don’t deserve you” and then pray, offer them all the help they need to make that decision. Be patient with them, and don’t abandon them when they don’t take your advice. Don’t think them fools, and don’t beat them down with words. Just be firm with the truth and constant with your love.
Article by Hephzibah Frances for Bellanaija
78 Responses
prednisolone 5mg for sale purchase furosemide for sale furosemide online buy
provigil price buy lisinopril 2.5mg generic metoprolol 100mg drug
albuterol 4mg pills ventolin 4mg brand amoxiclav sale
cost isotretinoin 20mg order generic zithromax buy zithromax pills
order ondansetron 4mg online bactrim 960mg cheap buy trimethoprim online cheap
ivermectin 12mg for people ed pills comparison deltasone 20mg oral
order fildena 100mg without prescription buy lyrica 75mg online cheap finasteride 5mg tablet
isotretinoin 20mg tablet brand prednisone 5mg buy ampicillin 250mg for sale
buy deltasone online prednisone us amoxil over the counter
clomid for sale atorvastatin 40mg over the counter prednisolone 40mg over the counter
buy provigil without prescription buy provigil online cheap phenergan online buy
glucophage 1000mg over the counter oral glucophage 500mg nolvadex price
cialis prices free samples of ed pills male ed drugs
buy generic minocycline purchase hytrin for sale order terazosin without prescription
order tadalafil 5mg order viagra pills order sildenafil 50mg for sale
order esomeprazole 20mg sale order lasix 100mg order furosemide 100mg
fenofibrate 160mg pill buy viagra 100mg for sale viagra 50 mg
tadalafil 20mg cheap buy clopidogrel 150mg pill order amoxicillin 250mg
ropinirole order requip online order order labetalol 100 mg sale
buy doxycycline 200mg without prescription buy generic medrol medrol generic
order pepcid pill famotidine 20mg brand order remeron 15mg for sale
buy indomethacin 50mg capsule flomax 0.4mg canada buy cenforce 50mg online cheap
nortriptyline tablet order paxil online cheap order paxil 20mg generic
dapoxetine 60mg drug order priligy 60mg pill domperidone 10mg us
order fosamax pills order fosamax 35mg online motrin ca
oral amoxicillin order generic amoxil ivermectin oral
carvedilol sale order amitriptyline 10mg generic order elavil 10mg generic
brand lanoxin 250 mg order micardis online cheap order molnunat 200mg generic
diamox pills azathioprine 25mg pill order imuran
olmesartan 10mg ca verapamil 240mg us divalproex over the counter
order clobetasol sale buspirone 10mg tablet cordarone 200mg tablet
I must convey my admiration for your kindness in support of men who really need assistance with that theme. Your real commitment to getting the message all-around appeared to be extremely significant and has all the time enabled ladies just like me to arrive at their pursuits. Your amazing informative help and advice can mean a lot a person like me and even more to my office colleagues. Warm regards; from all of us.
mesalamine 400mg generic avapro for sale online order irbesartan 300mg generic
essays for sale online pay for paper writing sulfasalazine canada
doxycycline drug order albuterol for sale buy cleocin 300mg pills
online slots online pharmacy drugstore my friend essay writing
buy ramipril 10mg generic brand arcoxia order arcoxia 60mg for sale
roulette game blackjack free online gambling
nifedipine 10mg sale purchase allegra cheap allegra 120mg
real casino games play poker online free no sign up free slot
ivermectin 3 mg dose buy dapsone 100mg pill avlosulfon us
purchase tadalafil pill Cialis daily order tadalafil 20mg generic
actos 30mg price over the counter viagra cheapest viagra
buy singulair 10mg online cheap singulair online order viagra for men
purchase tiotropium bromide generic tiotropium bromide uk cheap hytrin
buy albuterol 100 mcg without prescription order ciprofloxacin 1000mg pills order ciprofloxacin 1000mg pill
cost clarithromycin 250mg order antivert 25 mg pills order antivert 25 mg generic
buy naproxen online cheap order lansoprazole online cheap prevacid 30mg oral
purchase tadacip pill tadalafil 10mg pill indomethacin 50mg generic
oral retin gel retin drug avanafil over the counter
sildenafil 100mg us buy sildenafil 50mg online cheap buy rhinocort sale
prednisone pill order minipress 1mg sale vermox 100mg canada
lasix pill order plaquenil 200mg without prescription purchase hydroxychloroquine online cheap
real casino stromectol order order provigil online cheap
slots real money online poker sites tadalafil generic name
sildenafil online buy tadalafil 5mg ca cialis 10mg tablet
prednisone 5mg over the counter order isotretinoin 40mg without prescription amoxil pills
viagra sildenafil 25mg estrace buy online lamotrigine 50mg pills
pre written essays for sale need help writing a paper stromectol liquid
buy desyrel 50mg generic sildenafil 100mg uk aurogra pill
casino online real money blackjack card game cost cialis 20mg
ceftin oral order methocarbamol 500mg for sale buy robaxin 500mg online
glucophage 500mg over the counter lipitor 40mg pill cialis 20mg brand
itraconazole 100 mg pills order tindamax online cheap tinidazole for sale online
aralen pills buy baricitinib online baricitinib 2mg for sale
tadalafil 10mg tablet betamethasone cream order anafranil 25mg without prescription
furosemide 100mg cheap buy hydroxychloroquine brand hydroxychloroquine 400mg
buy sildenafil 100mg sale cost careprost methocarbamol 500mg uk
ampicillin 250mg generic buy bactrim 480mg sale buy erythromycin 250mg without prescription
aldactone 100mg ca valtrex 500mg pill diflucan oral
generic avodart tamsulosin usa order generic zofran
It’s in point of fact a great and useful piece of information. I am satisfied that you simply shared this useful info with us. Please stay us informed like this. Thank you for sharing.
order levofloxacin 250mg pills levaquin online order
We stumbled over here different page and thought I might check things out. I like what I see so now i’m following you. Look forward to looking at your web page again.
Does your website have a contact page? I’m having trouble locating it but, I’d like to shoot you an e-mail. I’ve got some ideas for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great site and I look forward to seeing it improve over time.
My developer is trying to convince me to move to .net from PHP. I have always disliked the idea because of the expenses. But he’s tryiong none the less. I’ve been using WordPress on numerous websites for about a year and am anxious about switching to another platform. I have heard excellent things about blogengine.net. Is there a way I can import all my wordpress content into it? Any kind of help would be really appreciated!
I just like the helpful information you provide to your articles. I’ll bookmark your blog and test once more here regularly. I’m slightly certain I’ll learn many new stuff right here! Good luck for the following!
Good post. I learn something totally new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon every day. It will always be interesting to read through articles from other writers and use a little something from other sites.